Just as the guy needs to respect the ladys decision to keep it. Why do you assume everything is so laid back though? I blocked his number, but 2-3 weeks laterhe was calling me from his job, calling me through Facebook, and calling me from a private number. While we both made it, I wanted it and he didnt. People are calling the LW scum because hes willing to abandon a child he helped create. If there is no child at conception Especially if you think the laws are unfair, I think youd be particularly cautious in your actions. If you know you absolutely dont want kids, do everything you can to prevent them. Its a two way street guys. Heh, are you suuuuure you still want to be a professional therapist? Now if the issue remains private without government involvement, then no problem as long as she keeps to their agreement. . Why is it that she gets to have his child and not you? Furthermore, why does this child need two parents? April 9, 2012, 7:09 pm. Its a double standard. Why are people here creating scenarios that arent in the letter? Great, yet another fine example of the sheer brilliance and intellect of more and more heterosexuals in this case, the male whom increasingly seem to have all the knowledge and intellect as to where babies come from as, say, your average comatose five year old.
Men are stupid and do stupid things, but so are women. *ETA: also, most of my comments on here are usually light-heardely dumbed down just to lighten the mood a little. The point is that no one cares about your guesswork, sunshine. If the woman is not required to support a child LW, your anger is misdirected. How quickly (or slowly) he got into a new relationship after your breakup. And yes, women do use the laws to trap men into financing their lifestyle of choice (as a single mother).. Just shut up and pay the bills, right? Case in point: my mother was mentally ill, verbally and physically abusive, and vindictive enough to hurt my siblings and I just to spite my father, and she STILL got joint custody. I feel stupid once again and a part of me feels that he may come back to me again and I really dont want to be involved, but Im so weak and dont know how to let go. That is not acceptable. Fuck yes, he shouldnt have a choice in that. I dont know what he told her within those two minutes but obviously it worked cause now yeah. Chuck(le) He knew it but was willing to take that risk just like any man does when they engage in sex with a woman. Can I just say that would bother me a lot. Its not a comparable situation at all. Second, after all this talk of how disgusting he was for supposedly not using a condom, not knowing her all that long, etc., why no talk about this woman doing the exact same thing (number it takes to tango = 2) and having to deal with the consequences? No. I think the fact that he is angry at this woman for not having an abortion speaks loudly and clearly as to his character. April 9, 2012, 9:20 am. I believe that, in the case of consensual sex leading to pregnancy, both parties would be able to decide if they want to keep the child, and if the man doesnt and the woman does, she should bear full responsibility for child care, because it is a decision she has made. Thanks for noticing, though. i thought that was a bit harsh as well although her anger is unjustified, shes actually just reacting the same way 99% of people would do in that same situation. Not only to prevent babies but to protect yourself from STDs. April 10, 2012, 10:34 am. TheQuietOne After 7 months I moved back, but upon moving back he made a confession to me. Theres no statement suggesting that he tried to browbeat the woman into getting an abortion. Yep. Rather than holding him responsible, you have focused on the other women. iseeshiny Now I also believe that the LW is exposing herself to STDs not this guy, because she knows that he had unprotected sex with another women, and she still chooses to be with him either way. Let me repeat myself IT IS NOT A LOTTERY WIN. So of course the events are filtered through that lens. You go to a window and pick one out and take it home with you. And the man? make sure you use back up protection! Here he chose not to wrap it up now he made a child. Heres a thought experiment for you: He can have an opinion about her but its absurd to be mad at her because they created a baby. lets_be_honest Offset Changes Instagram Avatar to Takeoff Photo After His Death. I get owning up to your responsibilities in an unwanted pregnancy, but you cant really think that is going through every non-idiot males mind when he gets ready to have sex. Takeoff Shot in Head and Torso, According to Coroner Report, Aaron Carter Pulled Over On Suspicion Of DUI While Driving RV. April 10, 2012, 7:06 pm. Now its your turn to sit in her chair, Dr. Sherry,My fianc cheated, we broke up but then got back together. Close to $1,000 and thats for a shitty one. Sure. lets_be_honest Whoever is saying otherwise is simply wrong. Some of the best advice my mom ever gave me way back in the day was Listen. So go control them all you please. Or, hey, maybe they were both tested, maybe they were both clean, and maybe he believed her, and maybe she actually was on the pill. If he decides to abandon his child, he is. April 9, 2012, 12:29 pm. The idea that he owes his life to her now that hes fathered her child is precisely the reason so many people are in unhappy marriages and there is such a high number of marital affairs. Like raising a child is easy. And since shes the one with the baby in HER uterus, theres not a whole lot you can do to force her to have the abortion or stop her from doing so. Nope, not at all, she just goes on living life unchanged. I gave him a green flag to make his decision and let him off the hook for any and all care and support, so long as such decision was irrevocable. Here 13 common reasons guys start missing and try to go back to their ex. because it is the womans responsibility to take her pill on time, etc if thats the type of birth control shes chosen. I honestly dont care if he did or didnt. They probably hang out for a few weeks more, she kind of gets on his nerves for whatever reason and starts to bug the shit out of him. This is the set up for some serious melodrama. It pays and so do the provider of the sperm. Chuck Pelto I cant even imagine how a grown man can be deceived into impregnating someone. Its the second set of support owed to the child we are talking about. Because he had sex? I completely agree. Or could CG be right, and this is all a hoax? iseeshiny And the fact is, biology dictates that women have control once a pregnancy has occurred- not just the legal system. I dont think you are right to try to make him stay with her. Im just trying to clarify the parameters here. Actually, pulling out has a 4% failure rate versus 2% for condoms for perfect use. And since placement errs to the mother, so does support for the exact reason you pointed out above, Addie: support is a gender-blind concept. Well, hey, point out the flaws in what I said, then. He has a responsibility to the baby, but thats as far as it goes. We learned that in middle school. The pull out method? Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? I have a feeling you are going to stay with this guy no matter what (since you would just diiiie without him). The family structure is dynamic and without balance, falls apart. Dude, thats seriously out of line. My Spidey sense is tingling that this could be a fake. Id at least like a comment from the LW, since, as much fun as this has been, I do agree that it seems not unlikely that the letter is contrived. Get your hands off my uterus! April 10, 2012, 10:24 am. Way to break a young girl's heart. They can both make a choice but only Susie must physically implement the plan. That should have been the end of it. There was a reason for that. Life isnt fair. Um hello, hes 40 years old, he knows how babies are made. bittergaymark IF men want to engage in condomless sex and want a choice (which women DONt have btw, we dont TELL our bodies when we want our eggs fertilized and when we dont, I WISH we could that would be such an intelligent design feature!) And dont worry, my sons will have the good sense to stay away from your daughters. Is it Dear Wendy gender wars with the emotional females leaping to conclusions and bullying the open minded fair males who dare to object to name-calling and double standards? Watch your language young lady! Cowards who abandon responsibility when they dont want to deal with it dont make good partners. Either_Coconut 3 mo. Not because there was anything wrong with me or because I didnt deserve a father or because I wasnt lovable she was always sure to explain that it was his deficits that kept him from being a part of my life. In the state I live in, you can leave a baby (or even child I think) in a church or hospital if you do not want the child and you will not get in any trouble for it. In the case where a woman goes to prison because she raped a kid, you can bet theyre going to hit her up for child support too. We . Wheww. No matter what happens, if you open a bottle of coca-cola and it explodes, taking off your arm in the process, Coke pays you damages for it. Okay, Tim. Stop going backwards. But if Im going to have casual sex without proper protection, well then Id better damn well be prepared for the potential consequences. I think I said that about my boyfriend was I was about 15. April 9, 2012, 12:24 pm. I simply had to chime in here as this is what I do for a living and so many people are sadly misinformed. April 9, 2012, 1:35 pm. I showed up late to the hot debate in the comments (damn you work lol), but to put this in perspective for me, I was born to relatively young parents and now at 25, my dad is a few years older then this gem of a man in this letter. Seriously, there are as many babies in my class as there are classmates. caitie_didnt I find it absurd that there is a debate about this guys right to have unprotected sex as if its ever a good idea. Child support is nice, but a father it does not make. It seems like you would be even more concerned about this when sleeping with someone you are non-monogamous with. He had no more to do with the existence of this child then an architect who only provides half the blueprints has responsibility for the existence of the Pentagon. Exactly why I advocate abortions in those cases. Steve Kellmeyer If youre going to be all bent out of shape if the stranger youre sleeping with has your baby then Id ask for a hand job instead. Furthest from the vagina, just saying. My sister has 3 birth control babies. April 10, 2012, 6:21 pm, And yet men still keep having sex with us. If you choose to roll those dice against any odds you have yourself to blame if they dont land in your favor. honeybeenicki hamster van beethoven But by that same logic, you must be prepared to call a woman who doesnt want to be a mom a scumbag for getting an abortion (in the instances the guy wants to keep it but that woman doesnt). These people are the REAL zombies.. landygirl female
Though some women seem to believe that is the case. so its a little early to judge. He found her annoying but still slept with herI think this was pretty assholish behavior. It ended because you both were doing your own thing, and you had trust issues. John Rohan rainbow April 9, 2012, 9:30 pm. My Boyfriend Got Another Woman Pregnant & It Changed My Views On Parenthood. It doesnt sound like hes ready to be a one-woman man and get married (let alone start a family), and it doesnt sound like the LW is entirely willing and able to deal with being with a man who has fathered a child that isnt theirs. April 10, 2012, 7:06 pm. I cant tell you how many children have grown up thinking something was wrong with THEM because they had a parent who didnt want them. April 9, 2012, 12:32 pm, Well to start theres this ridiculous bit of misogyny and what seems like lack of understanding of child support: one of them is the ability to, once pregnant, get support for 20+ years from someone they might have just met.. Roe v. Wade merely established that abortion is a privacy issues and that a womans right to choose what is done with her body takes precedent over the rights of a state to prevent abortion. . And lo and behold, thats exactly what youve gotten. But I would not for one reason other than the fact that trusting him again would be difficult to do (and that would IMHO b. And, lo and behold, you arent coming across any better. I must respectfully disagree with you. She refused to listen. I dont think its necessarily fair. He has made it clear that he wants a pregnancy to be terminated. April 10, 2012, 6:34 pm. Get tested for an std too because your love obviously did not use a condom. I just found out that someone he had slept with before we got back together is pregnant. To clarify, I am NOT living with HIV. , CatsMeow But if its not, ITA with Amanda, LW. in whether or not a child is a result here is what all you men should do at like age 18 or whatever. thus why I said troll label aside. Contrary to what might be implied buy my other comments in this thread, Im not typically a proponent of abortions. I think the LW and her ex would do better to break up for good. A female reader, iz07a +, writes (11 March 2010): my exboyfriend and i have been together for 5 yrs. April 9, 2012, 5:19 pm, Its easy to think the guy is a scumbag for not wanting to be a dad. You seem to have completely missed the point that virtually anything we do involves risk, and that doing those things doesnt mean were prepared for any possible consequence at any time. April 10, 2012, 7:15 pm. Pretty sure this: and he is furious with this woman for keeping the baby is the browbeat part. And most important of all, whats all this talk of ASKING WOMEN to have abortions? They should act responsibly. But shes having his baby and whether he likes her, loves her, or hates her, that baby is his child. What the fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. Why are you so obsessed with sex? Scummy is the wrong word to use. Then, again you seem a tad immature so maybe you deserve each other.
By having sex you are saying that the woman might get pregnant and you are willing to deal with it if that is the case. He was there just as much as that woman was. I dont know why this posted as a reply to Honeybeenicki I tried to post it separately. We need to rebuild our trust, but I cant trust the situation because he cheated on me with her. You are an entitled, awful, C.U.N.T for even THINKING that you have an opinion on what this woman does with her pregnancy. At the time, he said he would wait years for me - until he could be with me. Now imagine a bunch of people calling you a scumbag for having the temerity to be angry at your friend, arguing that the situation is of your own making since you should have known this was a possibility when you lent out the car. We started dateing again and have been for about 3 months and we have plans to save money and get an apartment. And, yes, he should be taking precautions against STDs because even if he never gets back with the LW, is he going to remain celibate for the rest of his life? and its also appalling that he would order a woman to abort. That reasoning, btw, comes from Karen DeCrow, feminist attorney and former president of NOW. His utter failure to own up to his actions is appalling. I think both sexes can own that one (although your estimate of what % of children born today are born to single patents is inaccurate). Even if this baby malarky goes away, even if this woman only demands financial support and nothing else from your boyfriend, this sort of drama will be your life if you stay with him. In fact, step aside from the situation (my advice to you). The entire point of my post(s) is that the paternity laws in this country (which is a central consideration of the letter and the story) are out of whack and unbalanced to the point of being unfairly punitive to men. anyway, well, I've been discovering that I found out she's pregnant by someone last oct that she met. bittergaymark Because we stayed together, she caused him a lot of stress and drama by doing things like not letting him see his kids. This is not true, and I say this because a (male) friend of mine went through this a few years ago. he delivers the baby from the nursery to your house. Pay[ing] for it is responsible, even if its not what the mother of the child, or potentially the child, may initially want. Men should not rely on women for their own birth control unless the two people in question are in a committed relationship. Chuck Pelto He said this is not gonna ruin us, but Im unsure. Landygirl, I think we should stop feeding the trolls. April 9, 2012, 12:49 pm. If he is 40 years old and still acting like a child chances are youre going to be stuck holding the bag. April 10, 2012, 4:35 pm. And if so, Im ready. I wanted to punch my computer screen while reading this and was so afraid the comments would not say what you are saying. Might he have continued sleeping with her? Therefore, when having sex with a woman, you must assume that she could get pregnant and could keep it even though you dont want it; or on the flip side, abort it even though you dont want her to. P.S. You don't say how long you have been together, but there's a reason that you broke up with him then. Oh, and I really dislike when every accidental pregnancy letter we get on here because a huge fest for people throwing around you were too stupid to use a condom or you didnt try to prevent pregnancy at all, when we really have NO information regarding what precautions they did or did not take. Given the particularities and context of any particular situation, there is a lot of unfairness to go around. Its more than I can handle on a Monday! If she does your boyfriend will deal with the aftermath of having sex without a condom. Even if she was taking it appropriately (same time every day, no antibiotics interfering, etc), it still isnt 100% effective. Child support is, indeed, a lottery win for women, by which they compel men who had nothing to do with their lifestyle choices to support their lifestyle choices in the manner to which they have become accustomed. People surely arent calling him scum for not taking responsibility, because hes apparently going to provide support. Chuck(le) But let me make a few suggestions Steve. reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2008): A
Let him deal with the consequences of his own actions without relying on you to rescue him. Your dad of course has had 25 years of having a daughter and being a grown up to teach him to have more sense. As Ive gotten older shes told me more details about the situation (they were tenants in the same complex working towards professional education [law and med school] and both around age 30; I was a surprise and he was more dedicated to completing his education, while she wasnt upset that she would be a mother sooner. Also I take that because your boyfriend knew she was on the pill he didnt use a condom. iseeshiny Im going out on a very weak limb to say that youre probably a better person than this letter which means youre definitely too good for him. Trying to force someone to get an abortion? Guy Friday April 10, 2012, 7:00 pm, If you dont want to potentially end up with a kid with a woman you cant stand, dont have sex with her.. LW: When I started reading this letter I was prepared to tell you to MOA, but by the end I decided that you and your boyfriend sound like equally shitty people! You and John are both arguing something that nobody else is. Anyone would be angry in this situation. I dont think hes a bad guy for having sex with this other woman, and it was his decision to not use a condom. bittergaymark Generally it turns into a bunch of bleeps. This LW really doesnt get a say in the matter, true, but if I were her Id take one look at the boyfriends actions and attitudes and dump him. We have been able to shield the kids from this at this point. The primary relationship in someones life is allowed to (and should) remain the primary relationship, even after the later appearance of children. But it is probably fair to say I hate the over-the-top modern feminism you appear to espouse. Its all the adults running away being irresponsible, generally stupid, and downright insane that make this situation such a mess. As for what you do: I personally would ask him to ask the woman to get a paternity test. At some point you have to recognize your own self-worth and value, otherwise you will keep allowing him and others to walk all over you. Except I acknowledged that was guesswork on my part. You, Chuck, seem to think that this means that all women do that. kerrycontrary Why should she abort the baby I mean come on. What a laugh. When he chose to bust a nut in a stranger he took on that risk. April 10, 2012, 7:09 pm. And _JSW_, if youre reading this too, thanks for an interesting evening. I just dont see why thats ok but its not ok for the guy to essentially do the same thing but then have to pay. Thats why I kind of went to the extreme with the whole Threw some money thing. Im not implying anything other than exactly what I wrote. Is that your position, or am I misinterpreting it? let us know if he had). I'm devastated and broken. Which is not true. I just dont see any part of the circumstance that allows a 40 year old man who was having consensual sex to take the other issues out on his own child by refusing to have anything to do with it. Find someone without baggage. You deserve better. Dont let him use you because his life is in chaos now. I attempt to avoid name calling, but if you have a problem with one person ASKING another person to do or not do ANYTHING, you are a poor excuse for an adult! Oh, and of course, hes also called a dick, and ass, and other choice names. iseeshiny Nice try. The crazies on both sides just come crawling out of the woodwork. Theres a fun scenario. Its not yours to deal with. My heart broke into a million pieces. lets_be_honest You dont want his problems. People need to think about their actions and the consequences. Oh no! I DO think its completely absurd to be furious with someone else however when you become a parent after choosing to do the exact thing that can cause pregnancy. Im quite late to the discussion, but I took a lot of time reading over the comments, trying to make sense of the two sides of the argument at hand. If you want something different, you must do something different. In most cases with my clients, the girl is wanting the guy back but the guy is the one who pulled away. I attempt to avoid name calling, but youre not very smart. Instead, you pick on women and insinuate that were ~unreasonable or some shit. It could fail. April 10, 2012, 7:35 pm. You shouldnt expect him to bow down and praise the woman. (i.e. People are calling him scum because hes a guy who doesnt want to become a father to that womans child. That could very well be true I just tried to answer the letter as if whatever the LW said had some truth to it (like that the other woman was having the baby to purposely lure the guy into a relationship with her, etc.) And this is the problem with having sex in a non-monogamous relationship and not fully protecting yourself. Id be more concerned with him having unprotected sex with someone HE just met. If you were having a good communication way with him before, you can found out that he got another girl pregnant before you were dating. The system you propose that if conception is not by mistake and if the man does not decide early on that he doesnt want to be responsible, then he should be obligated to that child is the craziness system ever. SEX WITHOUT A CONDOM!!! And the children are either damned or murdered. And you dont sound much better. Is that pretty much it? bittergaymark nurserie cerise et capucine we broke up and he got another girl pregnant.If your ex got married only months after the breakup, then something doesn't feel right.In most cases with my clients, the girl is wanting the guy . But you are wrong for trying to force him to stay with someone just because of the child. she doesnt have to be unlucky or a liar to be taking her pills incorrectly. What the LW needs to do is take a deep breath, wait a long time for this situation to resolve, and then decide what she wants to do. No one should be forced to abort a child, but no one should be forced to have one they do not want. The entire letter reeked of entitlement. Hey I have a novel idea. I think the hes a scum is more about not wanting anything to do with a child that he helped create and trying to brow beat this woman into having an abortion. Having unprotected sex is not a crime, but if you have sex without a condom with someone you dont know or trust entirely yet, you need to know that there is the possibility a child could be conceived, either by accident or deception. Wow, thank you so much Lili. And as so many others have said dontt want a kid? I have tried to encourage him to stay with this woman soley because of this pregnancy, but he wants me and wants to marry me as he said all along, and he is furious with this woman for keeping the baby after only knowing each other two minutes.